Discover a new way of looking and understanding the world that we share with unconventional and provocative commentaries and funny Zen koans


New quotes from the retired Zen Master

Not so serious koans by the Retired Zen Master Politicians, celebrities and other leaders like to ask questions, just like you and me. Now they can meet the retired Zen Master and find the answers that will surprise them and you, the reader. These answers will not change them, but they may change some perspectives and thus initiate small particles for some new thinking and reflection. 

  • I will regularly add more koans to this blog. Later they will be incorporated into my new book  When the Zen Dust Settles, Koans of a Retired Zen Master Book II

Zen koans no longer have to be arcane meditation objects – only mastered by a few trained Zen minds. Your life is already a koan – a deep question whose answer you are already living. You cannot learn from a book how to understand koans. They have been studied over the centuries by Zen masters and their students alike. What was valid then,may no longer be applicable in a world that lives on short memories and fast internet connections. As issues are evolving and our needs adjust to the changing times the process of transformation may as well continue with a fresh perspective.The koans presented here are different from any koan you have ever read. They don’t claim to be traditional koans (and as such they are not material for traditional koan scholars). The koans you find in this blog were written for the untrained non-traditional mind. They are snappy, hilarious and often provocative allowing plenty of space for intuition and contemplation – often resulting in spontaneous laughter. These koans show the radically reversed relationship between a Zen master and anyone who is asking a question. Even Zen masters can show signs of stress and doubt which are so rampant in our modern world.Take one koan at a time and follow it with a pause. There is always a lot in a koan – of any kind. What is the meaning, if any? Sometimes there is no meaning, no explanation,no deep wisdom but only a curious place in the wilderness of thoughts. If you prefer the traditional koans, this is not the place for you, you will look for your stick and smash this blog to pieces. You may believe that presenting koans in this way may be a sacrilege, but don’t get carried away, in this world there is a place for every religion and style of presentation, dangerous or childish as they may be. In comparison these Zen koans are quite innocent and only serve one purpose – to bring attention to the challenges of a retired Zen master whose words are not meant to make fun of anything but to enlighten. If you have a good sense of humor and an open mind, this blog is the perfect travel companion as each koan can lighten or deepen your time in a crowded airport or lead to abrupt laughter in the middle of a bathroom visit. You may even want to put these koans under your pillow to sleep on at night. To your surprise you may wake up in the morning not remembering who you are and wondering why your life has suddenly changed. This may be the result of too many koans read the day before or poorly digested by sleep. If you have such an experience don’t report it to the authorities but live with it for a day and see how you like it. 

“I like to offer you some help. But in Zen we don’t have a single thing.”

 ImageThe German chancellor asked the Zen Master: “I have a new election coming. What can I do?” The Zen Master replied: “This is not 1933. May be you should look for a new job as a cleaning lady. Germany needs more cleanliness. Look at the streets of Berlin.”

Die Deutsche Kanzlerin fragte den Zenmeister: “Die Neuwahlen kommen bald. Was kann ich tun?” Der Zenmeister antwortete: “Jetzt ist nicht 1933. Vielleicht sollten Sie sich nach einem neuen Job umschauen – als Putzfrau. Deutschland braucht mehr Sauberkeit. Schauen Sie sich doch mal die Strassen von Berlin an.”

Peer Steinbrück asked the Zen Master: “I have a new election coming. What shall I do?” The Zen Master replied: “ Smoke as many cigarettes as Helmut Schmidt and you cannot fail in politics.”

Peer Steinbrück fragte den Zenmeister: “Die Neuwahlen kommen bald. Was kann ich tun?” Der Zenmeister antwortete: “Rauche soviele Zigaretten wie Helmut Schmidt, und es kann nichts schiefgehen in der Politik.”

The German President asked the Zen Master: “I am a very lucky man. I am president of a united Germany. What else can I do.” The Zen Master replied: “The “wall” was an interesting experiment. Why don’t you build another one.”

Der Deutsche Präsident fragte den Zenmeister: “Ich bin ein sehr glücklicher Mensch. Ich bin Präsident eines vereinigten Deutschlands. Was kann ich denn sonst so tun?” Der Zenmeister antwortete: “Die Mauer war ein interessantes Experiment. Warum bauen Sie nicht eine neue Mauer.”


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The Flower Is Meditating: A new and unconventional way of looking at our world – from awakening, enlightenment, religion, relationship, love, sex to social, economical and political issues

Welcome to LoveiamBooks:

 Loveiambooks recently published a couple of E-books available through and

Paperback copies are also available on and

The authorname is Rainer Loveiam

This blog is designed to familiarize you with a new style of writing and observing/commenting/contemplating our world – wherever we meet it which is every moment.

The style of writing and language you find in

The Flower Is Meditating – Contemplations Of A Sick Mind On The Way To Enlightenment”


“When The Zen Dust Settles – Zen Koans Of A Retired Zen Master”

are often provocative, certainly unconventional, playful and controversial but always within reach of understanding and therefore resulting in more awareness/introspection.

The Freedom of Thought is not everywhere welcome. Often it is violently opposed or ignored. Poetry can be a way of discovering new dimensions of thought and awareness as it can contain many messages otherwise difficult to express. As such the Freedom of Thought is a precious gift not to be sacrificed or to be taken for granted. Only where such freedom exists can we truly communicate with each other as human beings.

You will find a small selection of such inspiring contemplations on this blog, and new ones will be added regularly. Please enjoy and let me know your comments.

You can contact Rainer Loveiam directly at:

You can also find more “poems” and Zen koans at: and

For Aung San Suu Kyi (May 2011)

“Courage comes from cultivating the habit

Of refusing to let fear dictate one’s actions”

The freedom of a pacifist

Is standing in front of everyone’s door

Do you open the door

Or you keep it shut?

Choices are made every day

When there is a war going on

You can go to war

And serve the dictators

Who came to our planet

From spaces unknown to mankind

You can go

And pray for world peace

In a cell of your own

That is all you will have

Not even clothes to wear

The nakedness of your consciousness

With nothing else left

Your life will never be the same

As an icon of peace

Be simple

Be brave

Speak the truth

Our bodies are transient

Our thoughts are indestructible

Our spirit is eternal

Imagine peace

Imagine freedom

For a whole country

We are free

Walk outside with hands over your head

You don’t walk outside


Without your hands up

Over your head

Sharpshooters on the roofs

It’s your country of choice

Take it or leave it

I only want to be in your presence

Let the flames reach me

Let the fire burn me

I am charcoal

And a miner

Wings to fly

Through the wasteland of time

Your presence means everything

As I float down the Ganges river

Town after town after town

The boat is full with pilgrims

Going nowhere

Finding a place to wash their bodies

Third eyes are floating alongside

How can I be in your presence

When your hands are caressing a child

And your forehead is touching the sky?

The sun shines on me

I am warm

Your voice speaks to many from a distance

I cannot hear your voice

The flower is still

A dreaming poet

You don’t have to get up in the morning

To write poems

You can stay in bed

And dream them up

So much abundance

I have an altar in my house

I have an organic garden next to my toilet

I drive a car made from cardboard and cheese

I don’t use cell phones or televisions

I don’t wear anything made from an animal

I don’t use plastic bags except condoms

I have a tantric goddess in my bed

I have no chemicals in my lunch

I wear a mask over my face

I speak kindly of others

And don’t stare into their face

I am free

I pollute myself and humankind

With other things

Still to be named

I am determined and patient

A holy man stressed out

Wash my feet

And drink the water

I am a holy man

Levitating in the lotus pond

My feet are calloused from walking

My arms are stretched out

To receive you

The divine impersonated

Hurry up

Don’t leave me all day

In the pond levitating

It is exhausting

I am that already

What I wish to be

I am

Sand is in my eyes

I cannot see

But you can see me

Go figure

My favorite ice coffee

I have a figurine

In my ice box

I forgot why I put it there

But the figurine is doing well

In all that ice

I am jealous

But after a while I was happy

For the figurine

As I used her in my instant coffee

Slowly melting away

As I watched


Thoughts can be in the way

I am not happy

With my thoughts

They are always in the way

Of planning the next day

Without them

The next day has a lot of potential

The danger of living

The year of living dangerously

Not in my lifetime

Go ahead

I can’t wait

To become a ghost

If I scare you

Shoot me

The gift of a heart

How often

Can I give my heart away?

Only to find rejection

But it may have happened

That I have given my heart

To the Divine

There is a risk involved

You may never get it back

Tears of the Divine

A bridge without a river

A walking stick without a path

A meal without prayer

A star without rings

A song without birds

A farewell without tears

The divine is the teacher and the pupil

The observer and the observed

The eye and the beholder

I am alone on an island

Only turtles and an occasional coconut

Falling from the sky

Into my destiny

Farewell to all of that

Tears are left to dry

In time

Sleeping with the Divine

I return to the

Rose petal in my hand

I don’t know where the rose is

May be the roses are building my castle

Or my new church

We don’t live in castles

We don’t pray in churches

All the roses on the planet

Can come to my wedding

With the Divine

I wonder

How all the colors will get along with each other

May be my bride will remember each single rose

And make a rose cushion

So I can dream of the Divine

And inhale her sacred scent

Before I go to sleep

Sleeping with my bride the Divine

Was all I wanted before waking up

To a new morning

Zipping zippers

You can unzip all my zippers

Until only one is left

In my body bag

Coming back from some kind of war

Ordered by my government

It’s a zippy world

Don’t expect more from a government

My love of a princess

There are many flowers
I can compare you to
But I cannot remember any of their names
You may taste like a fresh fig
Or you may smell like jasmine
And you may look like a Burmese princess
But my tears will never dry up
I have met you many times
In another world
Where my love can live freely
Without restraint
Without laughing at herself
Our eyes have never met
Our hands have never touched
And your hair
Has never been kissed by my lips
Do not always hide in politics
Burma is more than that
Not just a place with many tears
Torture and iron bars
Burma is the place of many lost souls
Looking to escape to a citadel of peace
We may never touch each other
But always speak kind words
Across a border with thousands of refugees
And machine gun fire
Killing all the children
Who have come too late
To walk up the steps to lasting peace
When the only place to hide
Is inside a temple
And your precious heart

From “When the Zen Dust Settles – Zen Koans of a retired Zen Master”

v     Straight talk by a retired Zen master

v     Zen koans you didn’t know existed

v     No more hidden Zen secrets and meanings

v     Laugh with the master

v     Zen will never be the same

v     Your life is already a koan

A humorous and hilarious exploration of anti-traditional Zen koans, but not limited to it.

You unexpectedly find yourself in an upside-down position where ordinary concepts of the world of Zen no longer apply. Funny, satirical, cynical, captivating, always inspiring and not to be taken too seriously. You need an open mind to step into the obscure world of a retired Zen Master. There are no secrets, no hidden Zen meanings, no puzzles, no “talking around the bush” but only straightforward truthful dialogues between a Zen Master and his students/devotees. Nothing learnt in Zen before has prepared you for this unique Zen journey. If you have a good sense of humor or like to start one, this book is the perfect travel companion as each koan can lighten or deepen your time in a crowded airport or lead to abrupt laughter in the middle of a bathroom visit.

The Zen master asked the goose:

“How many eggs can you lay in a day?”

The chicken replied:

“Don’t try your old tricks on me”

The student asked the Zen master:

“Do you exercise to stay in shape?”

The Zen master replied:

“I meditate once in a while”

The student asked the Zen master:

“What is Zen?”

The Zen master replied:

“You can comb your hair with it

But you are bald”

The Zen master asked the student:

“What is your job?”

The student replied:

“I pretend to be you”

The Zen master asked the dog:

“Why do you bark all night?”

The dog replied:

“Why do you shout all night?”

The Zen master asked the pig:

“Why do people like to eat your meat?”

The pig replied:

“I cannot find any vegetarians in your temple”

The student asked the Zen master:

“How long do I have to wait

Before I will get enlightened?”

The Zen master replied:

“Death is not enough”

The student asked the Zen master:

“Why are you so fat?”

The Zen master replied:

“Don’t argue with me, please”